mellowed

you know the feeling when your eyes are heavy, almost relaxed; the underside of them, better known as "bags," have a stinging-pulsing sensation, cool, yet hot...and it's inevitable that if your lids fell down, shutting over the things that let you see, you would be dreaming in less than a minute?

yes. these are my eyes today.

i'm in a somewhat nostalgic mood.  i want to be back in the house i grew up in, wearing my pink non-slip socks, so that the non-slip is on the top of my foot, running fast then stopping the motion as quickly as it started in order to slide the length of the hardwood hallway.  riding my bicycle, with the rubber handles and plastic metallic pink and purple streamers, around the neighborhood with my brother and sister. eating velveeta shells and cheese and fish sticks ('yummies,' as my family affectionately calls them) to my heart's content.  enjoying the feeling of accomplishment after finishing a multiplication worksheet for my math homework - not being burdened by this task.

i want to be a kid again, with no worries in the world.

   

Writer jealousy...If I were only this clever.

This article will get a girl like me on her soap box REAL quick. I wish I were brave enough to respond to the comments, to defend the writer and give her a "Bravo!" or a pat on the back. However, my bravery will not extend past my blog page...at least, for today, that is.

Primavera: things around me and thoughts in my head

there are two guys and seven girls.  of those girls, four are standing around the two guys, giggling, sometimes so much they are snorting. nine different laughs occurring at the same time, yet there is no distinguishing difference.  they all resonate with the same tone and chuckle; almost as if they've practiced before.  flip-flops, red high heels, ballet flats, wedges.  random hair flips and behind-the-ear tucks. re-situating of clothes - pulling jeans up and shirts down. hands on hips or x-crossed in front.  the awareness of slouching is corrected by shoulders being pushed back, only to relax and slouch again in thirty seconds.  guys become awkward, step back, lean against the counter, exchange a few words as the girls group together in a semi-circle fashion and gossip on their own for a few minutes.  and then, either one guy or girl addresses another topic of conversation, and the dance begins again.  so fluid, yet awkward...and annoying as heck to watch.

the three girls left out of this circus (me included) are each at her own table, with her own Mac and coffee mug and saucer.  typing, scrolling, searching - every so often glancing up to observe.  these other two are obviously still in school; binders, notebooks, index cards spilling over the edges of space that remains on these small rectangular tables.

and then: me...doing what i do. observe and analyze, analyze and observe.  glad that i'm not in any of these others' shoes.  content in my converse, knee torn jeans, and graphic tee.

happy i have emerged from school life, glad i don't giggle or snort, relieved i don't have to wear heels on a saturday or worry about looking 'pretty.'  

my only worry is the illuminating structure to the right of my head; to remember to dodge this yellow glass orb hanging when i rise from this hard chair.  it is so oddly placed, the only dangling light in the shoppe; yet, it fits.  i am it and it is me.  a sense of belonging without being included, a contentedness that is not easily sensed, that might actually be seen as awkwardness to the outside eye.  to which i'm perfectly fine.

  

Getting through it all.......

.....with the help of hilarity.

quotes from my three year olds:

1. After showing them a picture of a walnut:
Me: "Ready, Read."
My class: "The Chicken McNugget."

2. Me: "Andrew, what did you tell Tripp?"
Andrew: "I told him to 'shit up!' "
Me: "Oh. O.K. And what do you think that means?"
Andrew: "Be QUIET!"

3. Ella: "Miss Erin, can I have some hanitizer?"

4. Me: "Andrew, we're going to go to the mirror, and you're going to tell me what's wrong."
Andrew, after looking in the mirror: " Miss Erin, I have marker all over my face. It's blue! (thoughtful pause)........I didn't want to."

5. During circle time:
Me: "I'm going to hold up a color and I want you to tell me what color you see."
Harrison: "Seven!"
Carson: "Circle!"
Anna Ryan: "Thirty-eight!"
Me: "Wow. The COLOR, not a shape or number."

These may give you a taste of what three days in my week look like. Even though it's difficult to make it to one o'clock sometimes, I truly do love all of my children.
.........................................................................................................

Sidetracked.....

I am beginning this post somewhat confused and almost in a state of stupor at my own self and lack of determination and/or will power. Here I sit on the floor in my apartment bedroom after being gone for a week house sitting in greystone. My laptop is in my lap and I am propped against a shelf (this, as you are probably imagining, is not the most comfortable position and would best be solved by me moving. however, as I am about to address, I do not feel like it). After browsing facebook for a good thirty minutes, I scanned my room and it's current state of 'being.' I quickly realized that I had been sidetracked, for the purpose of a computer, from completing the much needed task of unpacking and cleaning. There are clean clothes in (folded) piles, a suitcase that has yet to be unzipped, a duffel bag of shoes that have not found their way home, and a bathroom satchel that contains the necessary items to get ready for bed tonight and work in the morning. My intention, when I arrived at the apartment at 8:30, was to quickly and efficiently get everything done and put away in a certain amount of time so that I could crawl in bed and watch Dan in Real Life before going to sleep. This did not happen. I was distracted, torn away from my goal. And for what? An hour of wasted time to look at updated profiles and blogs. And, now, it is 9:35, I have no desire to complete my intended task and I have a sore back and butt bone. It's funny to me what things can grip my attention so easily and distract me from doing what I've planned and/or need to do. It's like I have little to no self-control or determination. No...scratch that. It's not 'like'...it IS that I have little to no self-control or determination. And this, as I have realized through this situation as simple as unpacking, is reflected in most to all aspects of my life. It's apparent in my daily walk with Christ, in my relationships with people, in my work....the list could go on and on. I lose focus too easily and then, instead of fixing the problem, I justify it with my own idiotic reasoning. "I'm human;" "I have a slight case of ADD;" "I can finish it later....." etc. etc. etc. It's dumbfounding. It makes me not like myself and gives me a desire to change. This desire, however, is quickly doused by my excuses, 'my days are too busy'...'I don't/didn't have time.' If I want to be real with myself and gut-wrenching honest, I have to admit that I have a bad case of the 'lazies.' It is such a cyclical disease....And it desperately needs to be cured. Prioritizing has never been a strong point in my life...but, as I have seen through a situation as simple as cleaning my room after being away for a week, it needs to be, in order for me to grow and learn about myself in anything and everything. This is a new goal for me. To be determined , driven, and efficient....to get over myself and stop wallowing.
This, I hope, will be good.
And it's starting right now.................
Ready, Set, Go.

Thin Mints from the Freezer

I have never really loved February. The month seems to be too much crammed into too little days. However, I have found one redeeming quality and it is described by three words: Girl Scout cookies. There is just something that brings happiness to your day when you bite into your favorite cookie supplied by Girl Scouts of America. Whether it be Samoas, Tag-a-Longs, Trefoils, or Thin Mints, you have a feeling of satisfaction and goodness that you know is being shared by millions of people across the country. And they are only three dollars a box. That is what gives worth to this month. Yum.

in a state of oblivion

I just finished reading a novel that was passed onto me. To be completely honest, I hesitated reading this book, for it is classified in a genre to which I am usually very cynical....Christian Fiction. However, I pushed my preconceived criticisms aside, and began reading, with little to no expectation of change, fulfillment, or enjoyment.
Although I don't want to say this, the book actually made me think. There were points in which I was overwhelmed by my confusion, my own realization as to how I view God, and how little I know. The book, surprisingly, left me shameful and hopeful at the same time.
It was almost eerie as to how the main character's life, spiritual and emotional, mirrored mine.
It left me with many questions; questions to which I want to gain a greater understanding, not necessarily an answer.
I want to be stripped of the facade that I have been using to define my life. I want to be completely and wholly His. I no longer want to focus on my past, relating and blaming everything in the present for what has previously happened....I want to be able to forgive, truly forgive, from the very essence of my being. I want to stop looking to the future and imagining my life. As the book stated, our imaginative futures rarely ever include God...it kind of pushes Him out of the picture, and shows how we, ourselves, would control our lives if we had the ability. I want to dwell in the present, in the presence of Three in One.
It's always humorous to me how and what God uses to draw you near to Him; I would never have thought that a Christian fiction novel would be able to do that for me.
God is holy and wholly good.
I'm trying desperately to have faith like a child.....It's amazing to me how much I am learning from children, how to love unconditionally and to trust.
.................some of my many teachers: